15+ questions for Louis de Villiers

1. Describe yourself in a hashtag.

#ohwellwhatthehell

2. What's the first thing you read when you wake up?

The baboon messages on my neighbourhood's WhatsApp group. Our poor old troop has been considerably reduced in the last few years due to wildfires, newcomers, and municipal cruelty or negligence.

3. Which publications have you stopped reading?

New Musical Express, The Economist, SA Rugby Magazine, Rolling Stone, the Cape Argus, The New York Times.

4. How much sport do you watch every day?

Up to eight hours, depending on what's happening. I'm not likely to watch Border and the Griffons play rugby on a Friday afternoon, but if (cyclists) Pogacar and Vingegaard are chasing each other for a few hours in the Alps or the Proteas' cricket Test is hotting up, I'll be glued to the screen for far too long.

5. How do you divide your time between the internet and sport?

Neither requires such regular undivided attention.

6. Do you find time to read books?

I like nice thick novels, but it's been a while since one has held me captive. At the moment, I'm unfortunately trying to write a nice thick novel instead. Unless I discover a new book by a decent historian about the big picture; I can never learn enough about the rhythm of humankind.

7. Which international journalists do you follow?

Plenty. My favourite sports writer is Barney Ronay from The Guardian, hilarious as well as informed. Unfortunately, almost all the great old music writers have hung up their pens. Naomi Klein has removed the political scales from my eyes more than anyone else; I still devour everything she writes.

8. Where do you get most of your knowledge and information?

I have at least two clear memories from quite a while before my second birthday. I remember too much. It's both a blessing and a curse. And I had always been overly curious, ditto.

9. What can't you live without? Name five things.

Friends, dogs, new music, humour, and, as I realised during the lockdown, Marmite.

10. What do you regret?

Somewhere in the multiverse, there's a version of me who said no and yes when this version of me said yes and no. Maybe he is gliding more smoothly through his existence, but I don't sleep better or worse at the thought.

11. Okay, the million-dollar question. Who are you listening to at the moment? No more than five groups or individuals.

Next week there will be five different answers, but this cold winter week it was mostly my bra Anton L'Amour for dreams of sunshine, JPEGMafia's hip-hop for weirdos, Jessie Ware for almost nostalgic club vibes, Margo Price's angel voice singing hard, sad country, and (you can't beat the oldies but goodies) Butthole Surfers' early stuff. Loud on my headphones.

12. If you could invite five people for dinner, living or dead, who would they be? And where would you go?

The dead, rather – I miss them terribly. And does it necessarily have to be dinner? I'm slightly manorexic and somewhat fed up with the fetishisation of food. I would like to take my friends Clara Zwarts, Tjaart Lombard and Chantal Deacon out for a 21st-century late-night club party with ALL the trimmings. They passed away before our generation's party in the mid-90s got too wonderfully wild and too wildly wonderful. We'll laugh ourselves silly, dance and socialise. And a few hours later, meet my parents, Izak and Rina, for a late, long, hungover lunch with wine and jokes at a Greek-ish place by the sea.

13. What are you a sucker for?

Most paragraphs that end with: “Oh come on, Lou. Just one more."

14. What does your ideal day look like?

Tilda Swinton brings me a late-morning French herb omelette and cappuccino for breakfast in bed as a treat. Afterwards, we walk the dogs, smoke a slow joint while watching the Springboks win the World Cup final in Sydney, and get ready for Kamasi Washington's intimate concert in a medium-sized Noordhoek pub, where I'll eat the roast pork with extra crackling and gratin dauphinois before the music, just as all our best mates show up and everyone drinks Jägermeisters with Kamasi afterwards. I mean, you did say “ideal".

15. What does your real day look like?

My bathrobe is far too often on my skin. But it's quite beautiful around me, so I struggle to fret too much about it.

16. The five best whiskeys you can recommend?

The cheapest Irish whiskey in the liquor store, like Tommy Ballards or Paddy. Then the third to fifth cheapest Irish whiskeys in the store.

17. If you knew the world was ending in a week, what would you do?

Have picnics and braais. Get shrooms and consume them with beloved friends. We'll lie looking at the clouds and make bitter jokes. The deeper you're in the shit, the better you laugh.

18. Describe your clothing style.

I used to dress up quite a bit in my day, but my day was long ago. In my youth, I was briefly even about 90% mod at Stellenbosch University, complete with scooter and parka and bowling shoes in the heyday of The Jam, but hardly anyone there knew what The Jam or a mod was. These days I live in a neighbourhood where you can buy your groceries relatively unscandalised in pyjamas and I dress correspondingly unstylishly.

19. What did you learn from your dad?

Empathy, loyalty, and numerous tricks on how to tear someone a new one if it should prove necessary.

20. What did you learn from your mom?

Empathy, loyalty, and honesty to the point of virtual tactlessness.

21. Who are your favourite Springboks of all time?

I've tried to list them about 10 times now, but it's an impossible task regarding both talent and personality. There are too many. It's exactly 50 years since I saw my first Test.

22. And at the moment?

Cheslin Kolbe and Frans Malherbe. They truly embody that rugby can work for all body types.

23. Your first love: rugby or music?

No, gosh. In our house, we were raised as good sport being much better than bad art, but good art is much better than good sport. Tunes, long before loose scrums.

24. What are your dogs' names?

Lola, Skollie and Sugar, but the spirits of the deceased Breyten, Aitsa, Knersus, Gesie, Mike and Ketter are sniffing and peeing somewhere in the yard. Their ashes are still here with me in little bottles.

25. What were you like as a child?

Learned to talk and walk so early that it would sound like bragging to say exactly how early, but unfortunately stopped shitting my pants somewhat late. I was much nicer before I went to school and quite a pretty little boy, too, before the acne epidemic of 1975, when my nose and Adam's apple also grew out of all proportion and I promptly became a rather ugly little boy. And always had wonderful friends.

26. What are you looking forward to?

Surprise visits from long-unseen friends, new genres of music, Barcelona's next Champions League title, my next Dutch steak at Dixie's. At this moment, however, summer would be nice.

♦ VWB ♦

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