The new etiquette: 39 updated rules

Keep it considerate

1. Don’t ask when someone is planning to have kids, whether their divorce is affecting their kids, or comment on someone's weight loss. It's none of your business.
2. Straight people referring to their “partners" is painfully pretentious. And irritatingly smug. 
3. Don't be that person who books the aisle seat then gets annoyed when someone wants to go to the bathroom.
4. Bite your tongue before offering parenting advice to anyone (including your own children).
5. Always return your shopping trolley. Don't just leave it in the car park. And giving a small tip to the trolley attendant is the right thing to do.
6. Tardiness is the ultimate rudeness. Be on time, always. And if you are running late, text. (For the record, anything later than 10 minutes for a one-on-one appointment is unacceptable). 
7. If someone starts telling you a story you have heard before, let them know quite quickly with a light comment: “That is so funny/terrible/horrible … I remember you telling me that." If you wait until halfway into the story, suck it up and listen again. 
8. If you are sick, stay at home. You aren't that important. And don't get on a plane if you are coughing and wheezing. If you really have to, have the courtesy to wear a mask. And the elbow cough or sneeze remains the best practice. Post-Covid, being inconsiderate about an infectious disease is the ultimate no-no and very bad form.
   
   

   Dinner and splitting the bill

9. The Guardian suggests that it's actually good form to be a little late for a supper invitation: “If you’re invited for supper at eight, 8.13pm is the very earliest you can pitch up; before that, your hosts (still changing, shoving detritus in cupboards, arguing) will pretend not to have heard the doorbell.
10. When you are part of a group that goes out for dinner, for goodness sake, just split the bill evenly. If your friends don't like it, get other friends. But if you drank a bottle of wine or an expensive cocktail while the others didn't, offer to pay for that then split the rest equally.  Once again, good manners is all about generosity and consideration. If there is a big gap between your consumption and the rest, be gracious (and adamant) about paying your share. And be gracious if you know someone in your party is a bit skint and deliberately ordered much less than everyone else because that's what they can afford. 
11. Don't use your phone during dinner with friends. If you have an urgent matter to deal with, excuse yourself from the table, deal with it, then put your phone off.
12. Send a thank-you message after hanging out. It is polite to acknowledge that you had a good time. Kindness and consideration are etiquette 101.
13. Never show up empty-handed at someone's house. A bottle of wine might be a bit predictable, but if you are going that route make sure it's a great or interesting bottle. Being a cheapskate is not a good look, ever. Otherwise, think along the lines of olive oil, a box of Maldon salt, a fruitcake or some lovely kitchen towels. If you are bringing flowers, bringing them in a vase is a lovely gesture — it takes the pressure off your host to hunt for a receptacle to put them in when they are trying to get dinner ready.
14. If you go away with friends, the rule of thumb is that the person who did the heavy lifting with organising the getaway gets first dibs on the bedrooms.
15. When your host starts washing dishes, it really is time to go home.
    
    

    Digital etiquette

16. It's a good idea to text or WhatsApp before you call someone who isn't a close friend. “Do you mind taking a call? Let me know when might be a convenient time." This is a cornerstone of the new etiquette.
17. Never respond to a message with “K." The combination of the single letter and the full stop comes across as unfriendly. Boomers might think they are cool, but to Gen Z it means “get lost”.
18. If you meet someone and they clearly don't remember you, don't beat about the bush. Just say, “I think we have met before," then introduce yourself again. 
19. When you meet someone whose name you can't remember, you might as well acknowledge it with: “I am sorry. We've met, but I am notoriously bad at remembering names."
20. Never use your phone on speaker in public. For anything.
21. Lower your voice when taking calls in public.
22. Put your phone's ringer on silent mode when you are in public places.
23. Keep your phone in your bag (or set to silent and face down on the table) when you are at a dinner or a meeting. Not doing so sends a message to everyone that they don't have your undivided attention.
24. Don't make people trawl through photo albums on your phone. Your holiday snaps are not really that interesting to anyone else, promise. And grandparents, don't whip out your phone to show pictures (even worse, videos) of your grandchildren unless asked. The antics of other people's small children are not an area of interest to most people.
25. If someone sends a group email that does not require a group response, don’t “reply all". Answer directly to the sender.
26. Don't dash off texts at all hours of the day or night. If you wouldn't call someone at a specific time, a text is also inappropriate.
27. And then a biggie: don't bombard anyone with consecutive one-line texts. Not only does it make the person's phone light up with ping after ping, it also makes it difficult to respond appropriately. Write your damn stuff in one text.
28. Keep voice memos short and to the point. The only exception is when sending a message to a loved one — here, meandering meaningfulness can be highly recommended.
29. How to leave a WhatsApp group: no matter how you do it, it will inevitably come across as a prima donna move. An elegant solution is to archive the chat. This means you are freed from having to respond or engage, and no one will know you are no longer plugged in.
30. Don’t stalk your adult children on social media. It's creepy.
31. Don't boast about your children's achievements — whether it's your baby sleeping through the night or a kid acing their exams. Nobody cares. And it just makes you look sadly self-absorbed (which you probably are if you have the urge to do so in the first place).
    
    

    Friendship and love

32. When a friend tells you about a problem, don't immediately respond with how brilliantly you dealt with a similar situation. Sometimes, you need to listen and STFU.
33. Blue-ticking a WhatsApp message from a friend is rude. If you have read the message, your friend can see you have. If you are not able to respond immediately, acknowledge it with a simple 👌. Or 🙏. Or ✅. Or ❤️. Whichever feels most appropriate.
34. Unless you have been invited, two nights is the only acceptable length of time to stay with a friend. Anything longer is taking advantage. When you leave, strip the bed, put the sheets and towels in the washing basket, and bring a gift. Chocolate or a fabulous cheese is always a good option. Always err on the side of generosity.
35. Gifts for weddings/ kitchen teas/ baby showers. It's time to stop fighting the registry. Just buy something from the damn list. Or give cash.
36. It's acceptable to leave a party without saying goodbye — to quietly disappear. But remember to send a thank-you text the next day. There is nothing more unattractive than being the sad, drunk straggler who doesn't know when it's time to leave.
37. It is difficult to communicate tone through text messages. Pick up the phone when tone is crucial to communicating a message. No amount of smiley faces, exclamation marks or emojis will help you transfer tone with a text.
38. Sometimes, the answer is that he or she is just not that into you. Know when to walk away from a dead-end relationship.
39. It's never too late to send a condolence letter. Sooner is better, but even if weeks or months have passed, it's a lovely gesture to send someone a kind letter acknowledging their loss.

♦ VWB ♦

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