My monster: Being intimate with a murderer or rapist

LOVING ON THE EDGE

My monster: Being intimate with a murderer or rapist

Oscar Pistorius's new girlfriend prompts the question: Why are women sometimes attracted to convicted murderers and rapists? CELESTE THERON investigates.

CELESTE THERON
CELESTE THERON

WHEN an ostensibly sane person enters into a romantic relationship with a murderer or rapist, one cannot help but speculate about their mental health. Recently, there's been controversy about Rita Greyling, the new love of the convicted murderer and Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius, who bears a striking resemblance to his previous girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, whom he murdered on Valentine's Day in 2013.

Greyling's background has been analysed extensively: She's the wealthy daughter of mega farmer BP Greyling and a successful business management consultant from Wakkerstroom, Mpumalanga. She comes across as perfectly decent and will understand the drama that may come with wealth and exposure – her own family's colourful intrigues have been widely discussed in the media.


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Who cares? Except for the uncomfortable feeling when skimming through the news as Oscar's name once again appears on Huisgenoot's front page, and perhaps uttering a quick prayer for the Greyling girl, there's nothing new. We know ordinary people can fall head over heels for murderers: There's former journalist Marizka Coetzer who fell in love with the Krugersdorp Cult murderer Le Roux Steyn. There's the relationship between Nandipha Magudumana, a medical doctor and entrepreneur, and Thabo Bester, a convicted criminal known as the Facebook rapist. And who could forget the legendary Daisy de Melker (1886-1932) who was as ugly as sin and buried three husbands and a fiancé, but was only convicted of murdering her only son, Rhodes Cecil Cowle (after four of her children had died in suspicious circumstances too).

Thabo Bester and Nandipha Magudumana.
Thabo Bester and Nandipha Magudumana.
Image: CELESTE THERON

The media naturally plays a role in romanticising these relationships with criminals by giving them so much screen time. Still, it's important to understand the psychological complexity of this phenomenon in a country where violence, especially against women, is an enormous problem.

I spoke to Dr Ivan de Klerk, a forensic psychologist at Zwavelstroom Clinic in Pretoria, and with Coetzer to get to the bottom of it.

Bonnie and Clyde syndrome

The term hybristophilia, also known as the Bonnie and Clyde syndrome, was first coined by sexologist John Money in 1986. He claims that the phenomenon, ironically, occurs mostly in vulnerable women. South African journalist Carla van der Spuy has also done in-depth research on the topic and in her book Love Behind Bars: In Love with a Criminal (Tafelberg, R265) explores the fascinating stories of people who found unlikely love in prison. Mental disorders that lead to crime fascinate people because we want to understand the motivation behind the horrific acts, which explains the common addiction to true-crime podcasts: There's a need to identify with criminals.

Perhaps it is this over-identification that leads to someone falling in love with a jailbird. We want to understand – is this person truly a monster? What else could have made them capable of committing these horrific acts? We're all on the spectrum of humanity, merely at different places, and possess some of the characteristics of unsavoury personalities such as narcissists or psychopaths. But it's precisely this identification and empathy they elicit that distinguishes them from “normal" people. The over-identification can lead to a type of fetish, a sexual attraction to someone who is in prison for murder or rape.

Charm and arrogance

To understand why ordinary people fall in love with criminals, one should probably distinguish between an ordinary person" and an “ordinary criminal". The astute journalist André le Roux claims we have all encountered at least one psychopath today. His book Narcissists, Psychopaths, Stalkers, and Sadists contains surprising, subtle observations discussing these mental disorders. But are all criminals narcissists and psychopaths?

Almost every book about narcissism claims they are usually charismatic, but surely charisma on its own can't be dangerous. The myth of Narcissus (who fell in love with his reflection in the water) could easily come across as just another story of an idiot who drowned in his reflection, but he was also arrogant and treated people with contempt. And arrogance was punishable by the Greek gods. One version of the story teaches that he eventually died of starvation after Nemesis lured him to a pool of water, and he couldn't tear himself away from his reflection. Not all people with narcissistic personality disorder are criminals, but an inflated self-image as well as contempt for and repugnance with people is a dangerous combination that can lead to crime. The problem arises when narcissists drown their victims in the water they peer into.

“The point of the story is not that Narcissus falls in love with himself, but that he has no idea of the difference between himself and his surroundings," writes Christopher Lasch in The Culture of Narcissism.

According to Le Roux, a sense of entitlement is what turns a narcissist into a woman beater or rapist: “Women between 16 and 24 are the most vulnerable, and the vast majority (84%) know their rapists. Most rapes are date rapes, and this is especially a problem on university campuses." Thabo Bester had a history of manipulating people and presenting himself as a successful and charismatic individual. It's difficult to think of Bester as a charming man, but he may have manipulated Magudumana to such an extent that her judgment became clouded. The possibility exists, of course, that Magudumana and Bester had shared private plans or goals, such as business interests or other connections, which brought them closer.

In his interpersonal relationships, the narcissist is an exploiter, says Le Roux. Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell state in The Narcissism Epidemic that narcissists aren't aggressive all the time, but when provoked, they overreact. In a HuffPost article, they wrote: “The most aggressive people are those with both high self-esteem and high narcissism." Not all murderers are narcissists, and usually there's an overlap of characteristics between disorders such as psychopathy and narcissism.

Marizka Coetzer and Le Roux Steyn.
Marizka Coetzer and Le Roux Steyn.
Image: CELESTE THERON

I call Marizka Coetzer to hear how her romantic relationship with Steyn, one of the Krugersdorp murderers, has played out.

“What initially attracted me to Le Roux [Steyn] was this absolute idea that he might be a victim of his circumstances, and then there was also the issue that he confessed when he was caught. He didn't just immediately plead guilty but took the blame on himself – he tried to protect his mother and sister. Initially, I found that very beautiful, and I was obviously a little attracted to his looks. For a young man, he was easy on the eyes, but it was more his temperament that did it for me. When I first met him, the first thing I thought was, wow, he has quite good manners for a monster. And I think when I talked to him, I also realised he's just human. When you talk to him, it was like wow, this is not what a murderer or a monster or criminal should be like."

This rescue impulse is common among women who believe the criminal is a victim of their circumstances – the Florence Nightingale effect. Many of these women have a strong need to “save" or “change" people. Also known as the caregiver syndrome, caregivers develop romantic or sexual feelings for their patients or those they care for: empathy turns into romantic feelings. It's a recognised psychological phenomenon that often leads to unethical relationships which can have serious professional and personal consequences. In Coetzer's case, she was summarily dismissed from Huisgenoot.

“It was quite hectic when the story came out," she says. “I'll never forget, I think we were on the front page of Rapport, or it was definitely on the lamp posts, you know. It was devastating, I lost my job, I had to fight for my child in court, and I moved out ... it was the first time in my life that I lived alone. I always joke and say it's the best mistake I've made in my life because I grew so much from there. I struggled for four months to find work again, and finally, I got work at the Rekord in Pretoria which was fantastic. I've been living in Pretoria for five years now and I could start my life over here, my child was put back in my care, but it was a difficult path: People didn't only say I was crazy, but thought I was dangerous. So there are almost more disadvantages."

Is rehabilitation possible?

Does Coetzer believe someone like Steyn is capable of rehabilitation?

“The prisons really don't have a good programme to support these people. It's not that it's not good ... there are just so many prisoners that they don't all get the chance to see a psychologist on a regular basis who follows their story closely enough to work through it; it's just another state person to whom they say: Okay, you're depressed, here are some pills. I don't think the prisons, or correctional services, offer enough to help these inmates rehabilitate fully, but I also believe Le Roux is not a threat to society."

Forensic psychologist Dr Ivan de Klerk says according to research, the chances are relatively low that a former murderer will act violently in their new relationship because the motives behind murder are often very specific.

Are there specific personality types more likely to become romantically involved with a criminal?

“I don't know if it's a personality type, maybe more of a fetish, or people who are a bit starstruck. I remember even when I worked with prisoners in jail, almost all the rapists had a girlfriend. I think people often write to these prisoners expecting almost nothing, and then they're surprised when they receive letters back. I think some specific people can only conduct relationships from a distance where real intimacy is impossible, and it suits them to have a relationship with someone in prison," says De Klerk.

Says Coetzer: “I really believe that when Le Roux has served his prison sentence, he can have a life outside, but there are also many things he will still need to work on. People will need to protect him, you know, I saw that during our relationship too. For example, as he's not used to love, attention and care, he sometimes becomes eager. So whoever the person is who one day looks after and supports him will definitely need to have, I don't want to say to be tough, but have a lot of compassion for him."

It is clear from the conversation with Coetzer that she is still concerned about Steyn. Indeed, there are cases where criminals are capable of complete rehabilitation. I think of Rev Ivor Swartz, who ended up in prison as a child after murdering his brother. His book, Die verlore seun vannie Gaatjie (2020), describes the circumstances that had led to the crime and how he was rehabilitated. Today, he is happily married and has a beautiful son. I know because I befriended Swartz, and we occasionally meet somewhere for a beer. I simply can't think of him as a murderer.

Not a joke

Coetzer continues: “Many people always joke and say, ‘Oh Marizka, don’t fall in love with a criminal or murderer,’ but they don’t understand. It’s not as if I fall in love with every criminal or murderer; it was Le Roux and his story. I will never tell women that they should or shouldn’t get involved in prison relationships, but it is definitely a very difficult path. One part is exciting and forbidden fruit (especially in my case), and also getting to know prison life and how it works is quite thrilling. But at some point, it becomes overwhelming and too much. Because their lives are on pause, it feels like you are cheating on them if you try to live a normal life, so it ultimately became overwhelming for me.

“We are still in touch, and I will always want to know how he is doing. I see myself as the unofficial keeper, but maybe the official keeper too, of Le Roux. If anyone ever causes trouble for him or treats him poorly, I will definitely intervene. But I’ve also realised I’m not the same Marizka anymore. The Marizka I am now has healed so much and worked through my issues, that I cannot see myself in a prison relationship anymore.

“People always joke and ask, ‘Aren’t you afraid Le Roux will kill you?’ and that’s the thing they don’t understand. I am not the same as the person he had killed. And in Oscar’s case ... I doubt he will ever make the same mistake again. But with the new relationship he’s in now, it’s not an easy relationship. Men in prison, men who have experienced trauma, men who have committed murder (whether premeditated or not) – it changes a person.”

Unhealthy attachments

Many of these women exhibit patterns of unhealthy attachment. There is often a history of complex trauma. Some have a pattern of relationships with abusers, and the attraction is often based on a false persona projected by the criminal. Many of these relationships end traumatically. The women are often victims of manipulation themselves, which can lead to financial exploitation.

Magudumana risked her career and reputation by associating with Bester, and was investigated for his escape. The romanticised idea of the “reformed criminal”, the media attention these relationships attract, and the media’s role in glorifying dangerous relationships all contribute to the reasons people become romantically involved with criminals.

Whether criminals can fully rehabilitate to maintain healthy romantic relationships depends on the context, says De Klerk: “Rehabilitation depends entirely on the context in which the murder was committed. For example, we know that individuals who carry out cash-in-transit heists and frequently kill have a very low chance of rehabilitation, although they are not classified as serial killers. This is because the murders are linked to economic crimes. The economic motive is what drives the crimes. Another example would be a hitman, it all depends on the context in which the murder was committed.”

People who fall in love with criminals are often just individuals with big hearts who overempathise with the prisoner. But when love makes you a prisoner of a manipulative person behind bars, it remains difficult to escape.

♦ VWB ♦


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