Rediscover your sexuality (and no, it’s not only about your genitals)

SITTING in her beautiful white living room with a view of the sea, Leán Bakker is bathed in the late afternoon sun's soft light. The topaz ring on her right hand flashes as she speaks, her muscular dancer's shoulders thrown back comfortably in a blue armchair.

“Before we start, I want to clarify something," Leán says. “I sometimes feel as if I'm in a lion's den. With sexuality there is a lot of positive energy, but there is also a lot of shame and a lot of perversion. This is something I deal with every day, so for me it's incredibly important how my work is portrayed. I think the church contributed a lot to the shaming of sex, then it went underground and now it makes people uncomfortable when you talk about it candidly."

And Leán speaks (and explains) candidly and to the point. With no hint of shame.

“We are conditioned to be ashamed to show pleasure. We live in a society where hardship and oppression are regarded as noble. But as soon as someone rolls around and has fun, there is an immediate ‘yuck'."

She has always been “in her body", Leán says. “From my days as a dancer at the Performing Arts Council of the Transvaal and then later as a choreographer and dance instructor, expression through my body has always been a strong force in my life."

But somewhere in the confusion of adult life she found a “real job": web page design and coding. Not her passion. And just after her 40th birthday, the urge to return to “body work" became stronger and stronger. She completed an international course and qualified as a practitioner in voice movement therapy, but it was still not quite her niche.

“I realised somewhere in my 40s that I was withdrawing from my sexuality. I used to be a very sensual person but I started feeling I was pushing life away. I didn't want people to touch me."

Then, shortly before her 50th birthday, she experienced a deep spiritual and sexual awakening — something she says happens to many middle-aged women.

“I often see a kind of introspection in women approaching menopause, or who are in menopause. Their focus was on their partner, or a lover, or children for so long … and then all of a sudden they exclaim: ‘Stop the bus now!' And then there is a choice. Either they decide to turn off their sexuality, or they do the opposite. And it seems to me that the bodies of women who retain their sexual energy cope more easily with menopause, with hot flashes and dry vaginas — they cope much more easily."

For her it was as if she had become fully present in her body and was receptive to pleasure once again. “It was as if I wanted to make love to life again," she explains.

It culminated in a journey of discovery. She devoured books on sexual empowerment for women, attended women's circles, consulted people who specialise in sexuality, immersed herself in the energy she felt in her body.

Energy in waves

And then, one day, it was as if a life force exploded in a million sparkling pieces of ecstasy in her body.

“I was sitting on a beach, meditating. And everything around me became more and more beautiful — the rocks, the sea, the beach, the blue, and I felt it in my body. I was a little embarrassed, I must admit. I didn't even touch myself, but experienced an orgasm from head to toe. It was as if the splendour of life started flowing into me.

“Shortly afterwards, I was with a lover one night when my life force was aroused once more. It felt like waves and waves of pleasure bubbling through my body. It was like an incredible realisation of my divinity. But something else also happened. My vagina woke up, orgasmic, activated, empowered. It was like a long-forgotten nerve that came to life again and spread to every part of my femininity.

“We forget that our vagina is like a mollusc. I was 49 years old and I didn't know my body was able to do this thing: to hold a penis and massage it. I was pretty freaked out, but I also thought, flip, I have to tell women about this. Our vagina is not just a hollow cave waiting for something to be done to it. We are not weak. We can be present, we can participate, we can love back. And the moment that energy returns to yourself, that you find your own power, and that you start becoming present in your body again, then all hurt and feelings of victimhood disappear. Sexuality is a sacred thing.

“At that stage I told my lover that I felt I had to share this experience with people. However, I also experienced a huge impostor syndrome, because I didn't have a long tantra pedigree. But I then immersed myself in that world."

Sharing her knowledge

Leán established a practice in which she combined all her experiences in dance and voice and movement, as well as her knowledge about sexuality, to help people experience a journey of discovery with their body by working with them physically.

“I had nice clients and learned a lot from them. At first it was mostly men, but then more and more women and also couples.

“But then Covid happened, and my whole business was in its glory. No one wanted to be touched any more.”

Thanks to her knowledge of web design, Leán created a web page and a YouTube channel. 

“I have now created six online courses in which I simply teach people to come home to their bodies. The first one was titled ‘How to be an orgasmic woman’. It's about much more than just sex. There are so many aspects of yourself that you need to meet. The expression through your voice, to be able to growl and cry; we learn certain meditations and to be real and not just follow the rules, as you know: kiss, rub, penetrate …

“If you are a heterosexual woman, a big aspect of that course is the relationship with the penis, because men are in crisis. And I want to advocate for men. Women think to be empowered you need to be infuriated with a man. However, if you want to empower yourself sexually on a physical level, you have to get comfortable with the masculine. If you welcome a penis into your body, but you are mad at it, you cannot be fully present and discover your own power.

“So, in this course I teach women how to massage a penis. You and that penis have to meet face-to-face. And you must get to know it, and you must regard it as a divine being. Because if you can do that, you're going to merge with it.

“I don't want to preach too much, but here is some background. There is this lovely beautiful lingam massage, actually two, that we photographed for the course. And then I produced a mini-course about it. I put the introduction to that course on YouTube and that flipping thing has now been viewed by over 1.5 million people."

I decided to watch the video. I was struck by how calm Leán was while she was talking to the camera, her hands gently caressing the body of a man lying in front of her on the massage table.

“It's because I'm older," she explains. “I'm in menopause. I'm no longer fertile. So for me, working with a penis is not a charge at all. For me, it's a case of, ‘Now let this auntie show you what we can do to make you a better lover'."

Everyone is upset with the penis

I asked why the penis in the demonstration video specifically attracted so much interest.

There are several reasons, she says. “I think some of it is still the search for a type of porn. And seeing a woman touching a penis is very visual. But I don't care. That's fine. I don't only preach to the converted. They don't need to have everything sorted out before they come here. They can learn as we go on.

“I see a lot of vulnerability in men who approach me. And they struggle to talk about it. Everyone is upset about the penis. And men no longer know how to position themselves. There are many of them who are looking for that sacred sexuality in themselves. And there are also many who have problems that arise from pornography, such as premature ejaculation. This is something I deal with a lot in my practice. Also erectile dysfunction, especially in older men.

“They struggle to satisfy women, because women want to be made love to for a long time. Women are not looking for a two- or five-minute job. I then teach them techniques to regain control of their body."

Leán says learning to control ejaculation is a good thing for all men. “We are addicted to ejaculation. Even women have been conditioned to think the session was unsuccessful if the man has not ejaculated. I have a male colleague who helps men to control ejaculation. The sooner they learn it, the longer they can make love, the longer their penis can stay hard, and the more energy they have in general."

Female sensitivity

For women, Leán performs a “yoni massage". “They can relax completely, because it's not done by someone who wants to have sex with them. Then they can feel a little bit of what the hell is going on inside them. And  they often cry and cry, because they feel so much, and there's no performance anxiety. It's a beautiful thing for a woman to experience."

A thousands orgasms in a single night

Sacred sexuality, Leán emphasises repeatedly, is about much more than just genitals. “Kundalini energy is about touch, but also about extreme awareness and extreme presence. And your ability to feel.”

Much of her work is about helping people to build this presence.

“Your sexual organs are just a place giving you access to feeling what it's like to really feel. And then you can start applying it all over your body. If you make love with a partner and you are authentic, you enter a state of bliss. You are not chasing an orgasm. You ride the waves that move through higher and lower levels. Sometimes you get up to eat chocolate and then you come back and just keep going. You can literally experience thousands of orgasms in one night.

“I talk a lot about this life force on YouTube, but it's not that popular because people don't always know that this is what they're looking for.

“I definitely work with sexuality, but I actually work with the person behind that sexuality. Such an orgasm is actually just a word for extreme joy."

And intimacy, I ask. What is true intimacy? Is this when extreme awareness and extreme presence meet?

“Yes, and it feels like fire," Leán laughs in her pretty red dress on my screen.

“If you are someone who wants to discover your sacred sexual energy, then I'm your girl. Come to me and I will help you to feel again. And it's going to work."

♦ VWB ♦

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