15 questions for Nicolaas Maritz

1. Describe yourself in a hashtag.

#heeltyd_besig_met_my_eie_kop_se_kak

2. What do you listen to when you are working or in your car?

RSG, because I like to have Afrikaans in my ears. But when Afrikaans gospel starts infiltrating, I immediately switch it off for the rest of the day. One of the weak Afrikaans West Coast stations then has to do, until it drives me crazy and I simply HAVE to turn the thing off. Then I just hum to myself like a highly disturbed artist …

3. What are you a sucker for?

A man with an excellent posterior in a close-fitting South African flag Speedo. Preferably an attractive rugby player; high school, club, provincial or national. I can host, but I am not an ATM and he must have his own wheels.

4. If they make a movie about you, who should play you?

It will be low budget, so not one of the big names. I would be tickled if it could be one of the Toerbroers or any of the Boerboel Wear shorts models with the nice, muscular, brown legs. Otherwise, Ricky Gervais is probably a more realistic choice.

5. The best book you've read in the past few years?

The Hare with Amber Eyes by Edmund de Waal.

6. If you had to choose someone to paint your portrait, who would it be?

Jonathan Yeo. This is the man who recently painted King Charles III's captivating strawberry jam portrait. I'll just have to confess to him beforehand about my obsession with Seville marmalade.

7. What painting do you wish you had made?

The Arnolfini Portrait, 1434, by Jan van Eyck. Oil on oak panel.

8. Do you have pets? 

Five cats: Patat, Pikkewyn, Misty, Donkerperd and Karnallie. One wingless racing pigeon and five anonymous goldfish. A horde of tortoises in the garden. Do fleas count? And mosquitoes?

9. What kind of child were you?

As an uncle by marriage, let's call him S, apparently alleged: “a thoroughly nasty piece of work". So be warned!

10. What do you find sexy?

The stunning effect of the Darling wine region's delicious pink MCC sparkling wines.

11. Who or what inspires you?

Everyone who is still carrying on in this problem-child country of ours, as well as the captivating and sometimes disturbing music of Hendrik Hofmeyr.

12. What do you fear?

I'm scared shitless of the possibility of a diabolical ANC/EFF coalition and quite wary of Grace Jones, should I run into her somewhere. Also of an unnecessarily protracted enema and of Lady Colin Campbell.

13. Is there someone who has had a huge influence on your life?

Mrs Balls, Mrs Mills, Walter Battiss, David Bowie and Tarzan. The list can become long.

14. If you could choose any painting, which one would it be?

Definitely one of Francisco Goya's so-called “black" paintings. Maybe the one with the goat-devil who sits with a subdued group of people and tells, I'm guessing, corrupting stories.

15. What are you looking forward to?

The day when Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu drop dead. And a few others, much closer to home, that I could mention too!

More about Nicolaas Maritz:

Web page: Maritz Museum

Soundcloud: Nicolaas Maritz

♦ VWB ♦

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