It’s raining (straight men) because of the likes of Uncle Angus

ANGUS BUCHAN predicted during the Western Cape drought that the dams would be full by March of that year. When it didn't happen, he explained that there were too many gay people in Cape Town. They needed to confess their sins to prevent the taps from running dry permanently.

It did rain, in the meantime, more than generously, and it confused me. You see, my friends didn't move away from Cape Town, and they certainly didn't make any confessions. Except maybe that they were relieved when moustaches fell out of favour.

Then came the floods of the past month.

As I sat stuck in my car in the mud on the wrong side of the flooded Bot River bridge, something hit me like a bolt of lightning. I realised it was metaphorical lightning, as the other kind is scarce in my region.

What struck me is something Mr Harmse taught us in science class at school: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Just as a “gayness" supposedly leads to droughts, defying the heavens' leadership by staying straight and upright with your body results in floods as an inevitable consequence.

That's why I cursed Uncle Angus while waiting for the rescue helicopter. If he were more gay, he could have prevented this trauma.

Even worse is the golden opportunity he repeatedly squanders by preaching the wrong things to his disciples.

They are known as Mighty Men. He claims there are a million of them. Simple calculations confirm that they could have restored the balance between droughts and floods at a single gathering.

Back at home, I opened the book of Genesis in the Afrikaans Bible to see if the story of Noah and his ark supported my theory, but to my irritation I found that Moses was vague on the details.

Or wait, I thought, I have the old translation. Maybe it wasn't Moses but Totius, the convener of the translation committee, who wanted to spare his fellow Doppers the uncomfortable truth.

I had to consult the original scripts, and there it was, clear and explicit, chiselled in Aramaic: excessive heterosexual frolicking made the heavenly directors uncomfortable on their thrones.

Suppose unbridled procreation rendered the earth uninhabitable? Suppose humans discovered fossil fuel and factory farming simultaneously? Then the first chapter of Genesis itself would be a lamentable waste of time.

No, it couldn't be. A dramatic reduction in the population was the only way out.

Now you're probably chuckling as you read this on your iPad while crossing Sir Lowry's Pass in your four-wheel-drive Toyota Land Cruiser. Ha! you say to yourself. That doesn't make sense. Noah ensured the survival of species by inviting only mating pairs on the vessel. But that's where you are mistaken. The directive he received, also in Aramaic, was to accommodate a mix of sexual preferences. Gay and straight were welcomed on board in equal numbers. For example, the unicorn pair was gay.

Uncle Angus's views are by no means unique among future heavenly citizens; in fact, Dutch Reformed ministers, among others, must quietly turn to unauthorised orifices if they really must.

But Uncle Angus bears the greatest blame due to his enormous following. According to my calculations, he has caused by far the most flood damage.

Following closely behind him is one Pastor Oscar Bougardt, who not only detected a connection between gay sex and drought but was also sentenced to 30 days in prison for his hate speech against the LGBTQI+ community. I believe 30 days in Pollsmoor could have great educational value for the pastor, but unfortunately the sentence was suspended.

More recently, he condemned the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu to the eternal fiery pit for endorsing gay marriages.

So, yes, the two godly men, the uncle and the pastor, will have to undo their botched work if they want to prevent the Western Cape from disappearing under the sea and turning Oudtshoorn into a coastal town.

The duo will have to get on their knees in someone's inner chamber — anyone's inner chamber. They can draw straws to determine who goes first.

♦ VWB ♦

BE PART OF THE CONVERSATION: Go to the bottom of this page to share your opinion. We look forward to hearing from you.